ONCE YOU ARE REAL

I was reading one of my favorite blogs recently (Thoughts by Natalie) and got caught up in the archives and this post, in particular, really hit me.

"Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

Just recently D and I had a big talk.  Partially because of what I was talking about last week and partially because my hectic schedule (surprise) doesn't only take a toll on me.

It takes a toll on him, too.

Anyway, we had a big talk.

I asked him, point blank, if he still wants to choose me.  I'm a lot to sign up for.  This madness, this hectic schedule, this propensity to collapse in tears when I am feeling overwhelmed... this isn't easy.

I know it isn't easy.

And, after a year, he knows it isn't easy, too.

So I wanted to be sure he was still happy.  He has a tendency towards... inertial behavior.  He likes to keep on doing what he's already doing because it's easier than disrupting the pattern and making waves.

I am a wave machine.

So by now, I am very real.  And so is he.

His hair has literally been loved off (my love is mostly bald, and I wouldn't have him any other way).  My eyes feel like they're dropping out every.single.day. by the time I peel out my contacts and crawl into bed.

He is blessed with a fit physique with a terrible diet and no exercise (I keep reminding him that, eventually, these bad habits will catch up), and I eat clean and exercise regularly to avoid getting "loose in the joints"...

You see my point, though.

We are very shabby at this point to one another.

Here's where I forgot the important part, though:

But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand.

He, by some miracle, does understand.

My boyfriend, my younger boyfriend with no prior relationship experience, understands.

He gets it more than I do.

He knows how to love so well and he was sweet enough to remind me of how to trust in that love.

I am real now, but it's okay because he understands.

Do you ever catch yourself not understanding this fundamental tenet to loving and being loved?  How do you remind yourself that it's okay to be real?  I have a feeling that I'm not alone on this and that this isn't the first time I'll need this reminder...

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THE PRESENT MOMENT

I'm not going to lie... I had a little bit of a rough day on Sunday following the wedding.

And, no, it had nothing to do with the wine (and champage, okay fine, and Corona) I drank on Saturday night.

It had to do with me feeling a little bit left out.

Of the cool kids' married kids' club.

Not because I'm trying to rush D to the altar.

Not because I'm eager to spend tens of thousands of dollars on a wedding.

But because all of my best friends are experiencing something that I know nothing about and I can't relate to where they are right now.

They don't have any cool secret married handshakes or married kid meetings I'm not invited to, but I know that on some level... they are in a totally different phase in life than I am.

And, unfortunately, this post isn't going to end in a huge Oprah-esque A-HA!! moment of clarity in which it all comes together and I find peace within myself.

Look at the picture at the top of this post.

That couple is loving the present moment.  That couple doesn't care about anything going on around them.  They are in love and in the moment.

They are D and I at the September wedding I mentioned on Monday.

I need to get back to that.  To not feeling lonely because I don't own a house or have a husband.  To feeling loved and loving because that is what is happening right now.  To not worrying about where we're headed because if I do I'll miss out on where we are.

I know all of this to be true.

I just need to get there.

THE JOY IS MINE

**This is a rant post.  You have been warned.**

Comparison is the thief of joy.  I just keep repeating it to myself over and over.  I am so frustrated and overwhelmed with things I want to say about this that I don't even know where to start.  The phrase is on repeat in my mind.

It rings so true.  SO true that it stirs up all sorts of anger from deep within me.  Anger at "society".  Anger at the "media".

Anger at myself.  For letting my self-judgment and propensity toward... not jealousy... but feeling less than enough steal my joy.

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We live in a highly competitive society.

I know my generation is full of "participation award" winners and that supposedly messed us up and made us feel entitled... but I would argue otherwise.

No kid with a participation ribbon thinks he or she is a "winner".  Kids know that first place is the best and that anything less is... not the best.

Kids know who the smartest kid in class is.  Kids know who the funniest kid in class is.  The prettiest.

The list goes on.

I can't tell you how many of my friends are stuck with these labels (affixed to them by adolescents clambering up the ladder toward social success) permanently ingrained in their self-perception.

I bet if you took a poll, almost every single person you asked could name that person.  The person who seemed to embody perfection at a level unattainable to the rest of us.  The person whose talents and abilities outshone the rest of us.  The person who, because of their success, made the rest of us feel inadequate.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

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I think this is encouraged (and perpetuated) by the media.

Gossip magazines rank the most hated celebrities.  If that isn't bad enough all on its own...

Who "wins" (loses?)...

An infamous serial killer?  An out-of-control young star that wreaks havoc everywhere he goes?  A desperate starlette fighting addiction and setting a terrible example for young girls everywhere?

No.  Don't be silly.

Gwyneth Paltrow.

Because... she strives to eat a clean diet... she works hard to be a devoted mother... and she can afford a wardrobe the vast majority of Americans cannot...

Seriously?

If we have really gotten to the point of hating someone who SEEMS to have it all together (I'm sure Gwyneth has her frazzled moments just like the rest of us), then we are in a very sad, sad state.

Don't let Gwyneth steal your joy, people.

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When I get really honest with myself and the things that I struggle with (shopping too much, hating my body, anxiety, feeling ugly, feeling unworthy), it's pretty clear that these serious issues all stem from my mind being in a place of comparison.

I would be better and happier if I had a closet more like her.

Why can't my arms be more toned like hers?  I need to work harder to change them.

I need everything to be under control in its proper place so that some unnamed rival is defeated.

How can D be sure that I'm the right person for him?  There are so many other women who are nicer, sweeter, more giving, and might make him happier.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

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Let's look at those same thoughts from a place of gratitude and self-love.

I am so blessed to have what I have.  Regardless of what I wear, I am a good person.  I am enough.

I feel healthy.  I exercise because it makes me feel good.  I eat well because it makes me feel good.  Feeling good and healthy is more than enough.

There will be moments that I have it all together.  There will be moments when I don't.  Whether or not everyone shares them, everyone has these ups and downs, as well.  It is perfectly acceptable.

I choose D because he makes me happy, challenges me, and encourages me to be a better person for myself because he loves me.  I trust him to be doing the same in choosing me as a partner.  I am nice, sweet, giving, make him happy, and love him.  I am enough.

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Sorry, comparison.

At least for this moment, on this day, the joy is mine.

Make it yours, too.

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WHERE YOUR THOUGHTS TAKE YOU

Love this.

First of all, I'm thinking about Maui right now... because I am traveling there this Thursday for my best friend's wedding!!

Can't wait.  Or, maybe I can wait... at least until I pack.

But obviously this quote isn't about globetrotting...

I am today where my thoughts have brought me.  Interesting to think about.

When I took my first job straight out of school, I hated it.  I didn't like my day-to-day tasks, but I also didn't like the person whom the company wanted me to be.

I swore off the industry (construction), but deep down I wondered if it was just the working environment I hated.  After all, I have a degree in engineering.  You can't just throw that away.

Where did my thoughts take me?

Back to construction with a company that lets me be who I am and encourages me to find my own path to success.  I have the "dream" scenario that I wondered about five years ago.

And I still don't like it.  It has nothing to do with my coworkers - they, for the most part, are fantastic.

It just doesn't make my soul sing.  And now I can officially shut down those "what if" thoughts and move on.

So these past few months my thoughts have taken me somewhere very different.  And I started filling out a grad school application last night so that I will be where my thoughts have been.

This law of universal attraction isn't just for big picture stuff.  Do you ever have a lousy start to your day and then find a million things to be irritated about?

Maybe that's just your thoughts taking you deeper into misery and annoyance.

Maybe a simple mental shift would put a rosy hue on your afternoon.

Just as I am working to proactively shift my thoughts to redirect my path... maybe I can use this same process to clean my mind of self-effacing thoughts, of judgmental thoughts, of jealous thoughts, of anxious thoughts.

Easier said than done, but let's see where it takes us, shall we?

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THE HORIZON

Hello, Monday.

Not super happy to see you, but the above reminder will help me power through.

Some beautiful things ARE on the horizon (and are getting closer and closer by the minute).

Things like:

- Intern roommate moving out.  She is a fantastic intern at work and SUCH a sweetheart, but I lived by myself for seven months and then with a 20-year-old for four.  I can't WAIT to have a month to myself again.

- Another Friday.  Yes, I look forward to them on a weekly basis.

- I get to see my niece on Saturday.  It has been way too long.  I can't wait to see how she's grown!!

- A trip to Maui to celebrate the wedding of my best friend and her amazing fiancé.

And I had a fantastic weekend San Luis Obispo.  Might make the Monday a little bit harder... but being exhausted due to three back-to-back weekends of fun and adventure isn't the worst thing in the world, now is it?

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A PERFECT DAY

Whoa.

I blinked and suddenly weeks have flown by.

I am alive and well - even after an amazing weekend in Vegas hosting my best friend's bachelorette party.

Not gonna lie, though... yesterday was a rough day.

Not only was it physically exhausting to make it through the day at all (and I wasn't even hungover!!), but it just felt like the reality of work and life and all the crazy things I am a part of hit me like a brick wall.

I wasn't the only one.

My boyfriend (can I just call him D from now on?  that'd be great, thanks.) didn't even have the best-ever weekend away and I could tell that "real" life was sucking the... well... life out of him.

It breaks my heart to see that happen.  And to feel it happen within myself.

I found this quote (that I had bookmarked over a month ago) and felt like it was a good reminder.  A much-needed reminder.

And if I needed to hear it and D needed to hear it... you might need to hear it, too.

Today is a perfect day to start living your dreams.

If today it doesn't happen or it can't happen, tomorrow works, too ;)

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ANYTHING CAN BE

Happy Monday, friends :)

fyi - I can type that with a smile because I'm not writing this Monday morning.

I saw this quote (not to mention gorgeous depiction of it) and had to share.

First of all, I'm a total sap and love the inclusion of "child" in the statement.  It sounds so warm and caring and loving and comforting.

Second of all, I loved Shel Silverstein's books growing up.  Where the Sidwalk Ends, A Light in the Attic, and Falling Up were among my favorites.

And, finally, (most obviously) the sentiment is fantastic.

Anything can be.

I put so many limitations on things.  They can't be because of time, money, and all sorts of other constraints.

Anything can happen, child.  Anything can be.

If I look at my life right now, so many things have happened that I never would have thought possible.

I am so much stronger than I ever knew (physically, mentally, emotionally).  I have a pretty freakin fantastic group of friends surrounding me (I always thought myself a loser or a not-cool-kid).  I may not love my job, but I have been working here for 2.5 years (I have a tendency to hop from one thing to another and not just stay put).  I am dating a wonderful man that hopefully someday will be more than just a boyfriend (um hello I was one of those little girls dreaming about someday weddings).

If all these things could happen, anything can happen.

What else can I will into being?  I very much believe in the universal law of attraction... so if I can create my own reality and build my own life... what do I want to do, to be?

After all, it can be anything.

Does this quote resonate with you at all?  Am I the only one who loved Mr. Silverstein's poetry?  Please share below.

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WAY TOO SERIOUS

I saw this quote here (one of my favorite blogs, for the record) from an interview Iris Apfel did with Harper's Bazaar and it really struck a chord with me.

First of all, major kudos to the ninety-one-year-old for calling it like she sees it.  Goodness knows she is a fashion icon who knows her stuff.  I am definitely no fashionista, know very little about designers, and even I recognize her.

Second of all, though, I definitely fall prey to the idea of "taking dressing way too seriously".  If I had a dollar, heck even a quarter, for every tear I've shed over having nothing to wear or looking fat, ugly, you-name-it-I've-said-it... I'd be swimming in cash like Scrooge McDuck.

That is totally embarrassing to admit, but all too true.

I, for one, do not want to look any older than I have to (I'm talking to you mini forehead wrinkles).

So I hereby declare that I will no longer place an inordinate amount of pressure on myself to dress perfectly.  I will just put on what I feel like and strut my stuff.

After all, it's perfectly fine to make fashion mistakes.  Like Ms. Apfel says,

Why not?  The fashion police are not going

to pull you over and put you in jail!

Sometimes it's good because your friends see you

the day after and say, 'Oh, you look so much better!'

Amen.

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BE KIND

Have you ever had a friend admit to being self-conscious about a certain trait, physical quality, or mannerism that you never-in-a-million-years would have noticed?

When you look in the mirror, or at a picture of yourself... what are the "problem" areas that you hone in on?

More often than not, all those hang-ups you have about yourself are not noticeable to others.

If you look in the mirror and instantly despise that left eyebrow with one stray hair that was too short to get with the tweezers... you're not getting it.

Same applies with non-physical attributes...

If you look back on your weekend and ignore all the awesome stuff you did and hone in on the one commitment that fell though (yes I'm talking to myself here)... you're not getting it.

Be kind to yourself.

The same way you'd be kind to a friend.  A best friend.  A cherished person in whom you see so much beauty and allow the teeny tiny flaws to just fade away.

Forgive the moments of imperfection.  Forgive the stray hair, or chipped nail polish, or outfit that looked good at 6am in the dark before you had your coffee, or the bathroom sink that looks clean, but didn't get a thorough scrubbing this weekend.

The less you allow these negative, critical thoughts to creep in, the more room you'll have for the positive ones, the productive ones, and slowly, but surely, these positive, productive thoughts will be on the forefront of your mind.

Being overly self-critical is a bad habit.  It isn't a truth and it isn't just the way you are.  You (and I) can break the habit, and you (and I) deserve to.

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SIMPLE

"Life is not complex.  We are complex.

Life is simple, and the simple thing is the right thing."

- Oscar Wilde

Good morning.

I have been thinking a lot lately...

I've been thinking about my tastes and preferences in life and whether or not those tastes and preferences are reflected in my home, my appearance, the way I spend my time, and with whom I spend my time.

For example, if I'm being completely honest, my favorite color is probably white.  I love things to be clean and simple.  I get feelings of anxiety if there.is.too.much.stuff.crowding.me.

For some reason, though, when I create my life, or my schedule, I set myself up for chaos.

Take Saturday.  A day I stated earlier this month that I would claim for myself.

Saturday I woke up at 6:15 to get ready.  I headed to the exercise studio at approximately 6:40 to teach the 7:15 class.  Since I was there already, I took the 8:30 class.

After class I drove with my new friend to a trailhead at Mt. Diablo.  We went on a hike.  We chatted about life and got a killer workout (still sore).  I truly enjoyed the conversation and the sunshine.

3,849 feet at the summit

I was supposed to then visit my sister and niece, but they were exhausted and it was later in the day than anticipated.  Major fail on my part.  I still feel bad about it.

I then went home, did some chores, made some dinner, and got ready to head out again.

By the time I got home, I crashed pretty hard... and then had to drag myself out of bed early on Sunday for another busy (good busy) day.

All of these things are good things.  I value all of these things.  I truly don't want to give up any of these things.  They are all of equal importance and feed different parts of my spirit...

but...

My apartment is chaos right now.  I started a project last weekend that still isn't done and couldn't (didn't?) finish this weekend.  It looks like IKEA exploded in my living room... 

I definitely could use a nice relaxing bubble bath.  And a nap.  And, even if I were home, so is the 20-year-old intern from my work that I agreed to host/house.  And she is very sweet... but I don't feel relaxed or at home when my home isn't just mine.

I don't mean to sound like I'm complaining.  I'm really not intending to, anyway.

I'm trying to sort everything out and, according to my expertise, the best way to start organizing things... is to lay it all out there.  It gets worse before it gets better, right?

So here I am, laying out all the clutter that is my life right now.  Clutter that I cherish and that I have built up around myself.  I have spent years accumulating it all.

And it's time to figure out a reasonable way to pare down.  Spring cleaning for the soul.

As I said, all of this clutter feeds a different part of my spirit.  We are complex.  I am complex.  I need all of my clutter.  I just need to figure out a way to feed my spirit that isn't so exhausting.

Life is simple, and the simple thing is the right thing.

What does that mean?  I am, obviously, struggling to find the answer.

Any insights?  I'd love to hear from you.

BELIEVE

It's Monday again.  Funny how that happens on a weekly basis.

I must confess, I fall victim to the Sunday blues all the time.  That sinking feeling.  That impending doom that is Monday morning.  The start of another week.  Didn't I just finish a week?  Do I really have to start another one?  Can I possibly trudge through it all again?

The quote above pretty well summarizes how I manage to persevere.

I've mentioned before that I'm less than thrilled with my current job situation, and that I'm in the planning stages of some major changes.  I truly do believe that I have a purpose that is personal to me.  It isn't my sister's, my best friend's, or my neighbor's purpose.  It's mine.

I have a unique set of talents, skills, and experience that allow me to contribute exactly what I contribute to the world around me.

You do, too.

So, yes, it's Monday.  But you were made to do something.  And you will do it.

So keep going, okay?

The world needs you to.

TIME TO DECIDE

First of all, a huge AMEN to Bill Cosby.

That man is hilarious, fashionable (I mean, how many people have a type of sweater named after them?), and just so insightful.

Anyway, this quote (and such a lovely design from such an inspiring site) really resonated with me this week.

I'm facing a major life decision right now and have all but fully committed to taking the leap, but am struggling with the fear.

I know I'm being vague, but it all boils down to this:

happiness vs. financial success

At what point is financial reward not worth the sacrifices in quality of life, free time, self-worth, and overall happiness?

I know I'm not alone in trying to strike the right balance.  I have several close friends going through the same soul-searching process.

In either extreme, the "right" choice is obvious:

Would I bring physical/mental/emotional harm to another human being to be set for life?  No.

If I was truly happy sitting around all day earning zero income would that be a good idea?  No.

But most of us are somewhere in the middle of the spectrum.

I myself have been in this same situation before - not all that happy with my career, but lured in (or trapped in) by financial stability.  If I were to do what I truly love (whatever that may be), I'd probably take a huge pay cut.

I do believe that, in the long run, if you do what you love, then the money (or, I should say, the success) will follow.  Notice how I qualified that statement by saying in the long run?  My concern isn't five years from now.  Goodness knows I'm not now where I thought I'd be five years ago.  My concern is next month's rent.  And the month after that.  And, well, you get the point.

How did I start this rant?

Oh, right.  I'm "all but fully committed" to taking the leap.  I'm this close.

So stick with me, folks.  It's going to be quite a journey, and I'll be right here to share it with you.

What do you want?  What's holding you back?  I'd love to hear from you!!

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TINY STORIES

I first saw this on my best friend's pinterest (which she coincidentally pinned from another amazing friend of mine) and immediately fell in love with not only the gorgeous design, but the sentiment of the statement.

Not to get all sappy on you (after all Valentine's Day was two weeks ago... don't we get to be bitter and jaded again by now?), but this is a concept that my boyfriend and I talk about all the time: our little story.

It is so easy to get bogged down with the less-than-perfect moments.  The moments in which you let your frustration overcome your immense love for someone and you, hopefully unintentionally, use a tone of voice that is more harsh than hug.

Take Valentine's Day, for example.  I know, I know... two weeks ago.  Just hang in there with me for a second...

On Valentine's Day I suggested that the two of us just have dinner at home (his place, that is - we are not at the cohabitation stage, but that is a very different story) to spend some quality time together.  I offered to make dinner, and we were to open a great bottle of wine we'd purchased at a fantastic local Italian restaurant.  To go the extra mile, I even brought a sexy little ensemble to cook in.

Before you start nominating me for the Girlfriend of the Year award, let me finish the story.

I had three (or was it four) different pots and pans going on the stove top.  I've got a main dish, multiple side dishes, and salad in the works.  I'm going all out (in my sexy little ensemble!!) to really prove my abilities as a domestic goddess.

And then the chicken mega burned.

Blame the stove.  Blame the exhaustion.  Blame the cursed holiday.  Blame the stupid little ensemble that was distracting to both of us.

And then the meltdown consumed me.

Ugly crying ensued.  Mascara streamed down my face.  I used unladylike language.  I full out collapsed on the (probably dirty) linoleum floor... in my now anything-but-sexy little ensemble.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Once I finally calmed down (okay, honestly?  I don't think I ever fully calmed down) I made him swear never to tell anyone.  He, calmly, politely, and sweetly asked, "What about in a few years at our wedding?"

"No, NEVER!!" I sobbed (see?  I told you I never calmed down).

Obviously I've since come to my senses.  His nomination for Boyfriend of the Year is in the mail, as he (literally) lifted me up off the floor, dried my tears, and assured me that my horrific antics only made him love me more, as I actually am and not as some weird contrived sex/domestic goddess.

He even let me put my sweatpants on.

And (finally getting to my  point), he reminded me that this is just a part of our story.  The good, the bad, and the childish temper tantrums... it's just a page.  I am not my worst behavior.  Our relationship isn't our most trying moments.  Each of us has our own tiny story, and the two of us have chosen tie our tiny stories together.

Sometimes parts of the tiny stories suck, but the good news is... you can just turn the page and write a new chapter.

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SOMETHING MORE

"I have a deeply hidden and inarticulate desire for something beyond the daily life."
Virginia Woolf

Do you ever get the nagging feeling at the very core of your being which asks, "Is this it?"

Call it the quarter-life crisis, call it the entitled millenials thinking they (we) deserve the world, call it growing up... call it whatever you want, but don't dismiss it.  It is real and, based upon my discussions with friends and the blogs I frequent, it is pervasive in this generation.

I am all too familiar with this feeling.  It is as persistent and distracting as an itch.  It aches like hunger pangs.

And it doesn't go away.  Or it just hasn't yet.  For me at least.

As an "engineer" I have gone about the process of picking this feeling apart piece by piece, attacking it as a scientist would; I created a controlled experiment.

It goes something like this:

Step 1 - identify the "source" of unrest (i.e. I don't like the company I work for)

Step 2 - eliminate source (i.e. quit or get laid off)

Step 3 - realize the feeling hasn't gone away

Step 4 - lather, rinse, repeat

I have left jobs, moved to the "happiest" city in America, started and ended serious relationships, moved and moved again and again, and STILL the feeling persists.

I have not given up hope.  I am still working at it, day by day and bit by bit.  I am currently somewhere between Steps 1 and 2 (for the I-don't-know-how-many-th time) and still feeling optimistic.

I stay sane by finding ways to experience life more fully and in ways that I do enjoy when I have "free" time.  Images like that above give me the energy to keep going.  I'm already counting down to the weekend.  To a few hours with my beautiful niece and big sister turned amazing mom.  To a good meal with new friends and potential new life paths to explore.

If anything about this post resonates with you, don't give up.  There is something more.

We just have to find it.

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