THE PRESENT MOMENT

I'm not going to lie... I had a little bit of a rough day on Sunday following the wedding.

And, no, it had nothing to do with the wine (and champage, okay fine, and Corona) I drank on Saturday night.

It had to do with me feeling a little bit left out.

Of the cool kids' married kids' club.

Not because I'm trying to rush D to the altar.

Not because I'm eager to spend tens of thousands of dollars on a wedding.

But because all of my best friends are experiencing something that I know nothing about and I can't relate to where they are right now.

They don't have any cool secret married handshakes or married kid meetings I'm not invited to, but I know that on some level... they are in a totally different phase in life than I am.

And, unfortunately, this post isn't going to end in a huge Oprah-esque A-HA!! moment of clarity in which it all comes together and I find peace within myself.

Look at the picture at the top of this post.

That couple is loving the present moment.  That couple doesn't care about anything going on around them.  They are in love and in the moment.

They are D and I at the September wedding I mentioned on Monday.

I need to get back to that.  To not feeling lonely because I don't own a house or have a husband.  To feeling loved and loving because that is what is happening right now.  To not worrying about where we're headed because if I do I'll miss out on where we are.

I know all of this to be true.

I just need to get there.

I'M RETIRING

This weekend marked a pretty momentous occasion for me.

I am officially retiring...

As a bridesmaid.

In December 2010 I was a bridesmaid for one of my best friends from high school.  It was a Christmas-time wedding at a gorgeous golf course in our home town.  She and her husband are now parents to an adorable son and even though they've been living out of the country almost since their wedding day... I get to see them in a few weeks!!

In June 2011 I got to be my sister's Maid of Honor.  It was a small church wedding and very no-fuss.  So simple, beautiful, and very them.  I don't think she's ever looked happier.  She and my brother-in-law are now fantastic parents to my adorable niece.  I love them all to pieces.

In September 2012 I got to be a co-MOH for one of my best friends (and college roomie!!) when she married her high school sweetheart at a storybook perfect venue in the North Bay.  The wedding was probably the most joyful I've ever attended.  Everyone was just so happy to be there celebrating the perfect couple.  They are honing their parenting skills with the cutest little puppy I've ever seen.

In May 2013 I got to be the Maid of Honor for another best friend (and college roomie) at an indescribably perfect Maui wedding.  She and her husband have the most flawless looking wedding album I've ever seen.  They are both radiating with love and happiness in every.single.picture.  Even the candid ones.  I need to work on that skill.

And on Saturday I got to be a bridesmaid for another high school best friend (and college roomie) at an elegant, gorgeous church wedding in San Jose.  They are such a joy to be around and the girl has to be one of the most beautiful brides to ever walk the earth.  It was so sweet to watch the two families officially become one (her best friend from kindergarten is the groom's cousin - small world).  They are in Aruba on their honeymoon and get to come back to their first new home.  Congratulations are definitely in order.

And, with that, I think I'm done.  I definitely have more weddings to attend in my future (ahem, August and February), but I actually have to figure out what I'm going to wear to those and, aside from the honor of being asked to sing at both... I'm just a guest!!

If I had a dollar for every comment I've received about 27 Dresses or "always a bridesmaid..." (seriously, people?  that's rude), I would have a solid start to my own someday wedding fund.

So, to all who asked me to be a part of the biggest day of your life (so far)... thank you.  From the bottom of my heart it means more than you could know.  The pros far outweigh any "cons" you felt guilty about.  I love you all so much and am so flattered you wanted me there by your side.

The absolute best part about being a 'maid (or MOH)?  Looking your best friend in the eye as she glows with bridal joy and love and saying goodbye and good luck as you head down the aisle to watch her get married.

And now I'm crying (again).

Congratulations to everyone and happy wedding season!!

P.S.  I do, eventually, plan on doing a bridesmaid series here... it's just that I'm a little worn out.  I promise it's coming, though!!

DREAM SPECIFIC

I've spoken (written?) before about the concept of the universal law of attraction.  The secret.  Whatever you want to call it.

I recently experienced the power of this concept at work.

I have been overloaded lately at my day job.  Since I don't love it to begin with, you can imagine how I felt about it when drowning in to-do lists.  I decided I needed to ask for a raise.  A big one.

We just had our annual reviews in March and I had already received my annual bonus and raise.

But since then I felt that the increased workload and responsibility justified another step.

I planned it out, decided how much I would ask for (and subsequently how much I would settle for) and mentally prepared myself to fight for my worth.

And then on Monday my boss called me into his office and told me that he and our EVP had noticed how much I've had to step it up recently... and that because of my hard work and because they value me and see big things for my future... I would be getting a raise...

... to the amount I had predetermined I would settle for during my planned negotiation.

You can imagine my shock.  Nice work, universal law of attraction!!

Anyway, this drives home the point that when we are planning/scheming/dreaming of our next steps in work, in love, in life... we need to dream big specific.

My friend and I are going apartment hunting in a few weeks for our new home come October.  You can bet we have a specific list of wants, needs, and must-haves.  I'll definitely share how the universe responds to these perfect apartment vibes.

And, to tie it all in with the image above... I love birch trees.  D just so happens to love birch trees.  I recently read an article about how people who live in greener areas (think lots of trees) actually exhibit lower stress levels.  Who doesn't love that?

My future home dreams are now full of beautiful leafy birch trees to make sure the universe knows exactly what I want ;)

Have you ever experienced the law of attraction delivering exactly that for which you were searching?  I'd love to hear about it.

**side note: this raise does not affect my plans to pursue a happier, more fulfilling career in the future.  it just helps set me up for future financial security/success as I make those (specific) dreams a reality.**

THE JOURNEY IS GOOD

I frequently mention that I have a lot going on in my life right now.  I'm working a ton and trying to stay in close contact with my best friends (near and far!!) and trying to make time with my niece a priority and love having quality time with my wonderful boyfriend...

And I'm trying really hard to set myself up for future success outside of my current career and that means a lot of hustling to build a strong savings account... which makes for less time for all those important things.

I get a serious case of the Sunday blues every week because I'm exhausted.

And I'm pushing so so so hard to get to there.  To the end... or at least the end of this crazy phase.

But this is part of it.  This is the journey.  The journey is absolutely necessary.  It prepares us for the destination.

In the same way that dating the one is the journey towards marriage.

The journey is SO important.  It is vital.

And yet sometimes we get so driven towards the destination we lose sight that where we are is part of our story, too.

The photo above is from the anniversary (one year!!? time flies...) trip D and I took up to the Mendocino County coast.  We had so much fun.  It was perfect.  The perfect addition to our story and a perfect break to the very hectic phase I'm currently suffering through working toward enjoying in my journey towards a fulfilling, joyful life.

The next time I'm feeling overwhelmed... I'm going to revisit the photos from our trip to remind myself how beautiful the journey can be.

THAT POWER

Definitely no # here.  I am either not cool enough or not obnoxious enough... I guess it depends on who you ask :)

Anyway, do you ever have one of those days/weeks/months where you feel completely out of control?

I have been stuck in that helpless rut and am starting to feel like I'm regaining traction.

You hear me, universe?  I've got that POWER!!  For right now, at least...

My schedule may be totally insane, but I'm doing a good job of plotting it all out and I'm putting some tools in place to help me stay sane.

It looks a bit like this:

1) Google calendar, a paper desk calendar, and Outlook calendar.  Compulsive?  Yes.  Comprehensive?  Hell yes.  I don't care if it's overkill, I am loving it.

2) Meal planning.  There is no way I can stay in a healthy eating mindset while juggling one full-time job and three side jobs (throw a grad program in the mix this fall and I may spontaneously combust).  I signed up for a meal plan with one of my favorite primal (read: paleo) blogs and will do a review once I get a couple more weeks under my belt.  It does make grocery shopping easier and on nights when I don't have multiple after-work commitments I can cook up a storm.

3) Lots of spreadsheets.  Budgets, future plans, separate schedules for the side jobs, etc.  Good thing I love me some excel.

4) Hopefully this one will come into play soon: a REAL smartphone (not the free Blackberry my work gives me).  I need a device that can keep up with my lifestyle and I have my eye on a couple options.  This weekend D is going to help me pick the best phone for my needs and then I will share as I make my way into the 21st century.  Totally excited/terrified.

If you have any tips for keeping up with a busy busy schedule (or apps or whatever), I'd love to hear 'em!!  The one thing I know I need to work on is scheduling time for myself.  I tend to see white space on a calendar and fill it right up.

Maybe a bubble bath and a glass of wine should be penciled in this weekend...

p.s. I loved Judith Hill's version of #thatPOWER on this season of The Voice.  She didn't make it to the finals, but her talent is undeniable!!

THIS IS YOUR LIFE

This is your life.

Maybe you don't need a reminder.

Some days I don't.

Some days I do.

This is it.  Right now.

I am passing moments typing these words, hoping they'll be read by my friends, let alone any strangers... hoping they'll resonate with anyone.

They're resonating with me right now, and that's probably definitely enough.

This past weekend my boyfriend and I spent some quality time in a tiny coastal town in Mendocino County.  We were at a quaint, perfect bed and breakfast (North Coast Country Inn) and had time.

We had time to wander, to talk, to laugh, to sleep, to be in love, and to hope.

We laughed (though it is more sad than funny) about the ridiculousness that is the rat race we are convinced to buy into by those making a huge profit off our toils.  We dreamed about a life in which Friday can be the worst day of the week because you just can't bear to take a break from your job (your passion).

Where the Sunday blues don't exist.  Where $70k, $80k, $150k per year doesn't mean anything because it doesn't really need to..

There is a story about a fisherman.  The fisherman went to sea, caught as many fish as he needed to feed his family for 2 weeks (a month, whatever) and then came home and spent time with his family... for another 2 weeks until he needed to go out and catch more fish.

An American businessman met said fisherman and offered his sage, corporate advice.

If the fisherman would only expand his enterprise and mass distribute the fish he could eventually become an international mogul, retire "early", and relax for the rest of his life...

...fishing and spending time with his family.

I am only 27.  I am still part of the rat race and I definitely don't have all of the answers.

But I am going after a life more like the fisherman and less like the businessman.

I'll see you there :)

SOMEDAY

First things first - HAPPY FRIDAY (oh my goodness how happy I am to say that!!).

But no time for dilly dallying today - let's get down to business.

I have a serious question to ask of you:

How do you stay focused and motivated for "someday" things when "now" things spring up?

To explain...

I want, more than anything (almost anything), to be a homeowner someday.

Obviously to purchase a home, one needs a down payment.  Therefore, one needs to save save save.

But how do you (yes YOU, dearest darlingest reader) stay focused on such a long-term goal when there are things here, there, and everywhere demanding financial attention?

Apartment things, fashion things, delicious food and drink things, fun outing and adventure things, adorable baby things to buy for your niece, stupid annoying things like car maintenance...

I'm pretty sure you get the point.

Future home purchase aside, I'm also going to be paying for a majority of my someday wedding.

That's not a price tag to scoff at, either.

And yet... these stupid now things tempt me so.

So, again, I ask:

How do you stay focused and motivated for "someday" things?

This lady needs your help :)

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THE FIRST STEP

So I talked and talked and talked about it... and yesterday I took the first official step towards my dreams.

That's right...

I applied to a grad program.

p.s. is that staircase not fantastic?  I would so love that in my future dream home... until then, I'll just share it here :)

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ACCOUNTABILITY

My oh my it's May...  (and the first time I started this post it was October)

Spring is in full swing and temperatures hit the 90's this week!!

My very sweet, enthusiastic intern/roommate went home for the summer and my apartment is ALL MINE for the next month.

And between weddings, showers, bachelorette parties, college reunions, and (let's be honest) spring fashion... my bank account officially hates me right now.

So I'm going to (regret saying this, but) partake in something I saw on another blog (Modern Eve).

Monthly "what I bought" reports.

Keeps me honest.  Because addicts have to admit they have a problem.

And I love me some shopping.

So far?

I bought an iced coffee this morning at Starbucks.

And a tank of gas.

OKAY FINE AND I ALSO BOUGHT A SAUSAGE & EGG SANDWICH, but I gave the english muffin to my boyfriend a coworker.

Just kidding.

I mean I did, but I'm not going to bombard you with that much crazy detail.

Home stuffs, clothing stuffs, jewelry stuffs, maybe makeup stuffs.

That's what I'll be reporting.

Unless I go crazy (uncrazy?) and change my mind.

What do you do to keep yourself financially accountable?  Do you budget?  Save your pennies?  Stuff cash under your mattress?  I'd love to hear, because I need all the budgeting help I can get!!

IT GETS WORSE

So much for details.

That's what my room looked like this week.

I was in the midst of a purge/clean/revamp/laundry bonanza/unpacking frenzy.

It gets worse before it gets better, though, right?

Let's all hope for a miraculous "after" photo here pretty quick.

Oh well... HAPPY FRIDAY!!

A PERFECT DAY

Whoa.

I blinked and suddenly weeks have flown by.

I am alive and well - even after an amazing weekend in Vegas hosting my best friend's bachelorette party.

Not gonna lie, though... yesterday was a rough day.

Not only was it physically exhausting to make it through the day at all (and I wasn't even hungover!!), but it just felt like the reality of work and life and all the crazy things I am a part of hit me like a brick wall.

I wasn't the only one.

My boyfriend (can I just call him D from now on?  that'd be great, thanks.) didn't even have the best-ever weekend away and I could tell that "real" life was sucking the... well... life out of him.

It breaks my heart to see that happen.  And to feel it happen within myself.

I found this quote (that I had bookmarked over a month ago) and felt like it was a good reminder.  A much-needed reminder.

And if I needed to hear it and D needed to hear it... you might need to hear it, too.

Today is a perfect day to start living your dreams.

If today it doesn't happen or it can't happen, tomorrow works, too ;)

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I'M GOING TO DIE, BUT I WON'T BE HUNGRY

I don't own a microwave.  I only got internet and cable at home when I found out I'd be housing intern-roommate... because I figured a 20 year-old would freak out knowing that there are people who exist without these things.

I digress...

Because of recent dietary changes (again, I swear I'll post about it one of these days) I'm very limited in my eat-on-the-go breakfast options.

But recently I discovered that you can scramble eggs in a microwave, which we do have in the office.

First of all, I know this sounds disgusting.  I hate microwaves and I'm obviously certain I'm going to die from eating these radiation-filled eggs (hence the post title).

Surprisingly enough, they're actually pretty palatable.  Not restaurant quality, by any means... but to a starving gal with limited options... they're fine.

I'm not sure what the point of this post is... but when I die... you can definitely blame the eggs.

Love,

Full-but-doomed-to-die-a-microwavable-eggy-death Alicia

P.S.  I really need to figure out some make-ahead non-deadly options.  I'll let you know how that goes.

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I'M A GROWN-UP?

It didn't happen overnight.  And I certainly didn't do it on purpose... but I think I'm a grown-up.

Here are a few of the signs I've noticed:

- I often think (and sometimes even blurt out), "That girl should put on a sweater!!  It is too cold to be wearing that."

- I consider it a late night if I see 10pm... even from the comfort of my own sofa.

- I call my sofa a sofa.

- I can't read a menu if the lights are too dim in a hip bar/restaurant. <-- this is super embarrassing to admit

- I just wrote the word "hip".

- I bought a vacuum for my big "splurge" when bonuses came out at work.  And I'm super excited about it.

- I don't know how technology works.  I'm one of those people that when handed an iPhone accidentally does something crazy and hands it over like it's a hot potato to its owner saying, "I don't know what happened but FIX IT!!"

- I wear belts and tuck my shirt in.  We used to call this the "Rachel Ray" look.  Now I sport it almost daily.

- I get mad at "kids these days".  Especially when they are rude with cell phone usage (put it away at the dinner table), or dress inappropriately for their age.  Little girls don't need halter tops, people.  Or an iPhone, for that matter.

I'm sure there are a million other little things, but those are the ones that have hit me the most in the past week or two.

When did you realize you had reached "grown-up" status?  Please tell me I'm not alone...

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WEEKEND THINGS

Good morning and happy weekend.

I don't have too much to report.  Relative to some of my other weekends this month, I'm keeping it pretty mellow.  Other than teaching at the studio and singing at church, my calendar is mostly blank.

And I love it.

Wishing you a fluffy, white bed to hide in for too long on Saturday and a beautiful, hope-filled sunshine-y Easter Sunday.

Alleluia.

Amen.

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CHAOS + CALM

When my life is extra crazy, I try to stay calm by pretending everything is calm and easy and peaceful.

Cue this song on my life soundtrack:

Don't need no tv, I don't need no phone - oh wait, it's ringing?  I'll be right there...

Happy Thursday.  Any good songs I need to listen to?  Share below!!

P.S. can't get enough of Casey Abrams?  check out this porch session.

SIMPLE

"Life is not complex.  We are complex.

Life is simple, and the simple thing is the right thing."

- Oscar Wilde

Good morning.

I have been thinking a lot lately...

I've been thinking about my tastes and preferences in life and whether or not those tastes and preferences are reflected in my home, my appearance, the way I spend my time, and with whom I spend my time.

For example, if I'm being completely honest, my favorite color is probably white.  I love things to be clean and simple.  I get feelings of anxiety if there.is.too.much.stuff.crowding.me.

For some reason, though, when I create my life, or my schedule, I set myself up for chaos.

Take Saturday.  A day I stated earlier this month that I would claim for myself.

Saturday I woke up at 6:15 to get ready.  I headed to the exercise studio at approximately 6:40 to teach the 7:15 class.  Since I was there already, I took the 8:30 class.

After class I drove with my new friend to a trailhead at Mt. Diablo.  We went on a hike.  We chatted about life and got a killer workout (still sore).  I truly enjoyed the conversation and the sunshine.

3,849 feet at the summit

I was supposed to then visit my sister and niece, but they were exhausted and it was later in the day than anticipated.  Major fail on my part.  I still feel bad about it.

I then went home, did some chores, made some dinner, and got ready to head out again.

By the time I got home, I crashed pretty hard... and then had to drag myself out of bed early on Sunday for another busy (good busy) day.

All of these things are good things.  I value all of these things.  I truly don't want to give up any of these things.  They are all of equal importance and feed different parts of my spirit...

but...

My apartment is chaos right now.  I started a project last weekend that still isn't done and couldn't (didn't?) finish this weekend.  It looks like IKEA exploded in my living room... 

I definitely could use a nice relaxing bubble bath.  And a nap.  And, even if I were home, so is the 20-year-old intern from my work that I agreed to host/house.  And she is very sweet... but I don't feel relaxed or at home when my home isn't just mine.

I don't mean to sound like I'm complaining.  I'm really not intending to, anyway.

I'm trying to sort everything out and, according to my expertise, the best way to start organizing things... is to lay it all out there.  It gets worse before it gets better, right?

So here I am, laying out all the clutter that is my life right now.  Clutter that I cherish and that I have built up around myself.  I have spent years accumulating it all.

And it's time to figure out a reasonable way to pare down.  Spring cleaning for the soul.

As I said, all of this clutter feeds a different part of my spirit.  We are complex.  I am complex.  I need all of my clutter.  I just need to figure out a way to feed my spirit that isn't so exhausting.

Life is simple, and the simple thing is the right thing.

What does that mean?  I am, obviously, struggling to find the answer.

Any insights?  I'd love to hear from you.

MY WEEKEND

Nothing like a weekend recap on a Tuesday to make you feel stranded in an ocean of never-ending weekday workdays.

Anyway, I had a(nother) fantastic weekend.  I promised myself that March would be full of "me" weekends, because April is full of "everyone else" weekends (in a good, fun way).

Friday night my boyfriend and I had a delicious dinner at my friends' house.  I got to finally congratulate them in person on their (no longer) recent engagement.  Can't wait to celebrate with them on their big day in August!!

I also learned that I have a serious fear of birds going on.  They have chickens and I had a cow (couldn't resist a terrible farm animal pun, sorry).  But seriously... chickens in a coop are cute... chickens flapping wings around being offered to you to hold are terrifying unpredictable wild animals.

Saturday I finally started the project that I mentioned way back here.  This color is just so great:

Benjamin Moore - peony

I'm going to slap on a couple more coats of paint this afternoon (lunch break projects are stressful the best) and hopefully order some new hardware.  Finished photos in the next week or two for sure.

Then I went on a romantical date hike with a new friend.  We grabbed a couple snacks at Whole Foods and headed out to Tilden Park in Berkeley.  We made it to Inspiration Point just in time to enjoy the sunset.

Sunday I sang at church, took a killer class at the exercise studio, and went to my boyfriend's brother's wedding.  Love me some weddings.  The bride was glowing, the weather was perfect, and neither the groom nor his brother could hold back their tears.  So, so, so sweet.  And then it was lights out by 8:30.

How was your weekend?  Has it already faded into the past?

THE LITTLE THINGS 03/17/13

Okay, this week was a doozy.

And, to be perfectly honest, I was this close to writing a bitter version of TLT (oh my gosh I just created an acronym.  I must be cool) of all the stupid small things that pissed me off this week.

But that really isn't the point, now, is it?

It's the opposite of the point.

So, without further ado, here are the few bright spots in a dark, moody, stressful, frustrating week:

- Pi Day.  Heck yes that picture is of me.  Heck yes I have a tattoo of pi behind my ear.  If I weren't eating like a cave lady right now (more on that another day), I would have made a pie.

- Hard cider.  Getting gluten free people drunk since... I don't know when.

- Getting RSVP's for my best friend's bridal shower.  I love weddings.  Good thing, since people love having me in their bridal party ;)

- Food bloggers.  Inspiring me with recipe ideas on a daily basis.  Paleo petite vanilla bean scones?  Why thank you, Slim Palate.

- Gorgeous weather.  73 degrees when I was driving home from work on Wednesday.

- The Biggest Loser.  Honestly, if happy tears were worth money... I could retire.

Hope your week was better than mine.

HAPPY FRIDAY!!

GET ME OUTTA HERE

I want to go to there.

I want to escape to a place with swirling seas on jagged rocks, tall trees, cliffs, and radio silence.

No more text messages.  No more emails.  No more phone calls.

Just some peace and quiet.

Obviously I'm having a rough week...

What are your tactics for finding peace in the midst of total chaos and stress?

I'd love to hear them.  And try all of them instead of going to work tomorrow.

SURE IS MONDAY

Good morning.

Pardon the radio silence this morning.

My brain is still asleep.

And I didn't have any coffee this morning.

Double whammy.

Happy (Daylight Savings) Monday.

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