ONCE YOU ARE REAL

I was reading one of my favorite blogs recently (Thoughts by Natalie) and got caught up in the archives and this post, in particular, really hit me.

"Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

Just recently D and I had a big talk.  Partially because of what I was talking about last week and partially because my hectic schedule (surprise) doesn't only take a toll on me.

It takes a toll on him, too.

Anyway, we had a big talk.

I asked him, point blank, if he still wants to choose me.  I'm a lot to sign up for.  This madness, this hectic schedule, this propensity to collapse in tears when I am feeling overwhelmed... this isn't easy.

I know it isn't easy.

And, after a year, he knows it isn't easy, too.

So I wanted to be sure he was still happy.  He has a tendency towards... inertial behavior.  He likes to keep on doing what he's already doing because it's easier than disrupting the pattern and making waves.

I am a wave machine.

So by now, I am very real.  And so is he.

His hair has literally been loved off (my love is mostly bald, and I wouldn't have him any other way).  My eyes feel like they're dropping out every.single.day. by the time I peel out my contacts and crawl into bed.

He is blessed with a fit physique with a terrible diet and no exercise (I keep reminding him that, eventually, these bad habits will catch up), and I eat clean and exercise regularly to avoid getting "loose in the joints"...

You see my point, though.

We are very shabby at this point to one another.

Here's where I forgot the important part, though:

But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand.

He, by some miracle, does understand.

My boyfriend, my younger boyfriend with no prior relationship experience, understands.

He gets it more than I do.

He knows how to love so well and he was sweet enough to remind me of how to trust in that love.

I am real now, but it's okay because he understands.

Do you ever catch yourself not understanding this fundamental tenet to loving and being loved?  How do you remind yourself that it's okay to be real?  I have a feeling that I'm not alone on this and that this isn't the first time I'll need this reminder...

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THE PRESENT MOMENT

I'm not going to lie... I had a little bit of a rough day on Sunday following the wedding.

And, no, it had nothing to do with the wine (and champage, okay fine, and Corona) I drank on Saturday night.

It had to do with me feeling a little bit left out.

Of the cool kids' married kids' club.

Not because I'm trying to rush D to the altar.

Not because I'm eager to spend tens of thousands of dollars on a wedding.

But because all of my best friends are experiencing something that I know nothing about and I can't relate to where they are right now.

They don't have any cool secret married handshakes or married kid meetings I'm not invited to, but I know that on some level... they are in a totally different phase in life than I am.

And, unfortunately, this post isn't going to end in a huge Oprah-esque A-HA!! moment of clarity in which it all comes together and I find peace within myself.

Look at the picture at the top of this post.

That couple is loving the present moment.  That couple doesn't care about anything going on around them.  They are in love and in the moment.

They are D and I at the September wedding I mentioned on Monday.

I need to get back to that.  To not feeling lonely because I don't own a house or have a husband.  To feeling loved and loving because that is what is happening right now.  To not worrying about where we're headed because if I do I'll miss out on where we are.

I know all of this to be true.

I just need to get there.

FREEDOM

It is Independence Day (if you live in the United States) today.

Whether or not you're a hugely patriotic or nationalistic person, you're probably at least excited to have the day off work.

If you don't have the day off, let me say "Thank you!!" for working on a holiday

and I hope you get time-and-a-half ;)

At church this past weekend (side note: I'm not about to get preachy, so please read on) the priest brought up a fantastic point regarding freedom.

He said (I'm paraphrasing here), "We spend so much focusing on what we're free from (slavery, oppression, etc.), but often fail to ask the question, 'what am I free for?'"

What am I free for?

What use is freedom if we don't use it?

In the context of his message on Sunday, (this part is going to get a little more religious, but if you can appreciate a big-picture message, read on) Jesus was explaining to his disciples that the old (Hebrew) laws didn't hold power anymore.  There was a new covenant and a new (much simpler) message:

Love.

That's it.

Freedom from all the laws and restrictions and do's and do-not's for the purpose of loving one another.

To bring this full circle (and truly take the opportunity to offend everyone), whatever judgments people hold in the name of the "laws" of the Bible should be cast aside in favor of love.

In California last week, gay marriage was reinstated.

To anyone who thinks this is an insult to "holy matrimony", I'd point to the greater message:

Love.

That's it.

We are free from judgment for the purpose of loving one another.

And this Independence Day, I am so proud to be part of a country that (at least for one moment on one day) chose love as law.

Hope everyone has a safe, beautiful, love-filled holiday.

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THE JOURNEY IS GOOD

I frequently mention that I have a lot going on in my life right now.  I'm working a ton and trying to stay in close contact with my best friends (near and far!!) and trying to make time with my niece a priority and love having quality time with my wonderful boyfriend...

And I'm trying really hard to set myself up for future success outside of my current career and that means a lot of hustling to build a strong savings account... which makes for less time for all those important things.

I get a serious case of the Sunday blues every week because I'm exhausted.

And I'm pushing so so so hard to get to there.  To the end... or at least the end of this crazy phase.

But this is part of it.  This is the journey.  The journey is absolutely necessary.  It prepares us for the destination.

In the same way that dating the one is the journey towards marriage.

The journey is SO important.  It is vital.

And yet sometimes we get so driven towards the destination we lose sight that where we are is part of our story, too.

The photo above is from the anniversary (one year!!? time flies...) trip D and I took up to the Mendocino County coast.  We had so much fun.  It was perfect.  The perfect addition to our story and a perfect break to the very hectic phase I'm currently suffering through working toward enjoying in my journey towards a fulfilling, joyful life.

The next time I'm feeling overwhelmed... I'm going to revisit the photos from our trip to remind myself how beautiful the journey can be.

THAT POWER

Definitely no # here.  I am either not cool enough or not obnoxious enough... I guess it depends on who you ask :)

Anyway, do you ever have one of those days/weeks/months where you feel completely out of control?

I have been stuck in that helpless rut and am starting to feel like I'm regaining traction.

You hear me, universe?  I've got that POWER!!  For right now, at least...

My schedule may be totally insane, but I'm doing a good job of plotting it all out and I'm putting some tools in place to help me stay sane.

It looks a bit like this:

1) Google calendar, a paper desk calendar, and Outlook calendar.  Compulsive?  Yes.  Comprehensive?  Hell yes.  I don't care if it's overkill, I am loving it.

2) Meal planning.  There is no way I can stay in a healthy eating mindset while juggling one full-time job and three side jobs (throw a grad program in the mix this fall and I may spontaneously combust).  I signed up for a meal plan with one of my favorite primal (read: paleo) blogs and will do a review once I get a couple more weeks under my belt.  It does make grocery shopping easier and on nights when I don't have multiple after-work commitments I can cook up a storm.

3) Lots of spreadsheets.  Budgets, future plans, separate schedules for the side jobs, etc.  Good thing I love me some excel.

4) Hopefully this one will come into play soon: a REAL smartphone (not the free Blackberry my work gives me).  I need a device that can keep up with my lifestyle and I have my eye on a couple options.  This weekend D is going to help me pick the best phone for my needs and then I will share as I make my way into the 21st century.  Totally excited/terrified.

If you have any tips for keeping up with a busy busy schedule (or apps or whatever), I'd love to hear 'em!!  The one thing I know I need to work on is scheduling time for myself.  I tend to see white space on a calendar and fill it right up.

Maybe a bubble bath and a glass of wine should be penciled in this weekend...

p.s. I loved Judith Hill's version of #thatPOWER on this season of The Voice.  She didn't make it to the finals, but her talent is undeniable!!

THIS IS YOUR LIFE

This is your life.

Maybe you don't need a reminder.

Some days I don't.

Some days I do.

This is it.  Right now.

I am passing moments typing these words, hoping they'll be read by my friends, let alone any strangers... hoping they'll resonate with anyone.

They're resonating with me right now, and that's probably definitely enough.

This past weekend my boyfriend and I spent some quality time in a tiny coastal town in Mendocino County.  We were at a quaint, perfect bed and breakfast (North Coast Country Inn) and had time.

We had time to wander, to talk, to laugh, to sleep, to be in love, and to hope.

We laughed (though it is more sad than funny) about the ridiculousness that is the rat race we are convinced to buy into by those making a huge profit off our toils.  We dreamed about a life in which Friday can be the worst day of the week because you just can't bear to take a break from your job (your passion).

Where the Sunday blues don't exist.  Where $70k, $80k, $150k per year doesn't mean anything because it doesn't really need to..

There is a story about a fisherman.  The fisherman went to sea, caught as many fish as he needed to feed his family for 2 weeks (a month, whatever) and then came home and spent time with his family... for another 2 weeks until he needed to go out and catch more fish.

An American businessman met said fisherman and offered his sage, corporate advice.

If the fisherman would only expand his enterprise and mass distribute the fish he could eventually become an international mogul, retire "early", and relax for the rest of his life...

...fishing and spending time with his family.

I am only 27.  I am still part of the rat race and I definitely don't have all of the answers.

But I am going after a life more like the fisherman and less like the businessman.

I'll see you there :)

THE JOY IS MINE

**This is a rant post.  You have been warned.**

Comparison is the thief of joy.  I just keep repeating it to myself over and over.  I am so frustrated and overwhelmed with things I want to say about this that I don't even know where to start.  The phrase is on repeat in my mind.

It rings so true.  SO true that it stirs up all sorts of anger from deep within me.  Anger at "society".  Anger at the "media".

Anger at myself.  For letting my self-judgment and propensity toward... not jealousy... but feeling less than enough steal my joy.

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We live in a highly competitive society.

I know my generation is full of "participation award" winners and that supposedly messed us up and made us feel entitled... but I would argue otherwise.

No kid with a participation ribbon thinks he or she is a "winner".  Kids know that first place is the best and that anything less is... not the best.

Kids know who the smartest kid in class is.  Kids know who the funniest kid in class is.  The prettiest.

The list goes on.

I can't tell you how many of my friends are stuck with these labels (affixed to them by adolescents clambering up the ladder toward social success) permanently ingrained in their self-perception.

I bet if you took a poll, almost every single person you asked could name that person.  The person who seemed to embody perfection at a level unattainable to the rest of us.  The person whose talents and abilities outshone the rest of us.  The person who, because of their success, made the rest of us feel inadequate.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

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I think this is encouraged (and perpetuated) by the media.

Gossip magazines rank the most hated celebrities.  If that isn't bad enough all on its own...

Who "wins" (loses?)...

An infamous serial killer?  An out-of-control young star that wreaks havoc everywhere he goes?  A desperate starlette fighting addiction and setting a terrible example for young girls everywhere?

No.  Don't be silly.

Gwyneth Paltrow.

Because... she strives to eat a clean diet... she works hard to be a devoted mother... and she can afford a wardrobe the vast majority of Americans cannot...

Seriously?

If we have really gotten to the point of hating someone who SEEMS to have it all together (I'm sure Gwyneth has her frazzled moments just like the rest of us), then we are in a very sad, sad state.

Don't let Gwyneth steal your joy, people.

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When I get really honest with myself and the things that I struggle with (shopping too much, hating my body, anxiety, feeling ugly, feeling unworthy), it's pretty clear that these serious issues all stem from my mind being in a place of comparison.

I would be better and happier if I had a closet more like her.

Why can't my arms be more toned like hers?  I need to work harder to change them.

I need everything to be under control in its proper place so that some unnamed rival is defeated.

How can D be sure that I'm the right person for him?  There are so many other women who are nicer, sweeter, more giving, and might make him happier.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

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Let's look at those same thoughts from a place of gratitude and self-love.

I am so blessed to have what I have.  Regardless of what I wear, I am a good person.  I am enough.

I feel healthy.  I exercise because it makes me feel good.  I eat well because it makes me feel good.  Feeling good and healthy is more than enough.

There will be moments that I have it all together.  There will be moments when I don't.  Whether or not everyone shares them, everyone has these ups and downs, as well.  It is perfectly acceptable.

I choose D because he makes me happy, challenges me, and encourages me to be a better person for myself because he loves me.  I trust him to be doing the same in choosing me as a partner.  I am nice, sweet, giving, make him happy, and love him.  I am enough.

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Sorry, comparison.

At least for this moment, on this day, the joy is mine.

Make it yours, too.

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WHERE YOUR THOUGHTS TAKE YOU

Love this.

First of all, I'm thinking about Maui right now... because I am traveling there this Thursday for my best friend's wedding!!

Can't wait.  Or, maybe I can wait... at least until I pack.

But obviously this quote isn't about globetrotting...

I am today where my thoughts have brought me.  Interesting to think about.

When I took my first job straight out of school, I hated it.  I didn't like my day-to-day tasks, but I also didn't like the person whom the company wanted me to be.

I swore off the industry (construction), but deep down I wondered if it was just the working environment I hated.  After all, I have a degree in engineering.  You can't just throw that away.

Where did my thoughts take me?

Back to construction with a company that lets me be who I am and encourages me to find my own path to success.  I have the "dream" scenario that I wondered about five years ago.

And I still don't like it.  It has nothing to do with my coworkers - they, for the most part, are fantastic.

It just doesn't make my soul sing.  And now I can officially shut down those "what if" thoughts and move on.

So these past few months my thoughts have taken me somewhere very different.  And I started filling out a grad school application last night so that I will be where my thoughts have been.

This law of universal attraction isn't just for big picture stuff.  Do you ever have a lousy start to your day and then find a million things to be irritated about?

Maybe that's just your thoughts taking you deeper into misery and annoyance.

Maybe a simple mental shift would put a rosy hue on your afternoon.

Just as I am working to proactively shift my thoughts to redirect my path... maybe I can use this same process to clean my mind of self-effacing thoughts, of judgmental thoughts, of jealous thoughts, of anxious thoughts.

Easier said than done, but let's see where it takes us, shall we?

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ANYTHING CAN BE

Happy Monday, friends :)

fyi - I can type that with a smile because I'm not writing this Monday morning.

I saw this quote (not to mention gorgeous depiction of it) and had to share.

First of all, I'm a total sap and love the inclusion of "child" in the statement.  It sounds so warm and caring and loving and comforting.

Second of all, I loved Shel Silverstein's books growing up.  Where the Sidwalk Ends, A Light in the Attic, and Falling Up were among my favorites.

And, finally, (most obviously) the sentiment is fantastic.

Anything can be.

I put so many limitations on things.  They can't be because of time, money, and all sorts of other constraints.

Anything can happen, child.  Anything can be.

If I look at my life right now, so many things have happened that I never would have thought possible.

I am so much stronger than I ever knew (physically, mentally, emotionally).  I have a pretty freakin fantastic group of friends surrounding me (I always thought myself a loser or a not-cool-kid).  I may not love my job, but I have been working here for 2.5 years (I have a tendency to hop from one thing to another and not just stay put).  I am dating a wonderful man that hopefully someday will be more than just a boyfriend (um hello I was one of those little girls dreaming about someday weddings).

If all these things could happen, anything can happen.

What else can I will into being?  I very much believe in the universal law of attraction... so if I can create my own reality and build my own life... what do I want to do, to be?

After all, it can be anything.

Does this quote resonate with you at all?  Am I the only one who loved Mr. Silverstein's poetry?  Please share below.

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I'M A GROWN-UP?

It didn't happen overnight.  And I certainly didn't do it on purpose... but I think I'm a grown-up.

Here are a few of the signs I've noticed:

- I often think (and sometimes even blurt out), "That girl should put on a sweater!!  It is too cold to be wearing that."

- I consider it a late night if I see 10pm... even from the comfort of my own sofa.

- I call my sofa a sofa.

- I can't read a menu if the lights are too dim in a hip bar/restaurant. <-- this is super embarrassing to admit

- I just wrote the word "hip".

- I bought a vacuum for my big "splurge" when bonuses came out at work.  And I'm super excited about it.

- I don't know how technology works.  I'm one of those people that when handed an iPhone accidentally does something crazy and hands it over like it's a hot potato to its owner saying, "I don't know what happened but FIX IT!!"

- I wear belts and tuck my shirt in.  We used to call this the "Rachel Ray" look.  Now I sport it almost daily.

- I get mad at "kids these days".  Especially when they are rude with cell phone usage (put it away at the dinner table), or dress inappropriately for their age.  Little girls don't need halter tops, people.  Or an iPhone, for that matter.

I'm sure there are a million other little things, but those are the ones that have hit me the most in the past week or two.

When did you realize you had reached "grown-up" status?  Please tell me I'm not alone...

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LIES

*before you get too excited and start asking me for the links to the above sales, read the post title..*

Dear friends -

I love to shop.

Too much.

It is a sickness.  An addiction.  A very dangerous slippery slope.

And I try to be "good".  Sometimes I am.  Sometimes I'm not.  And sometimes I pay for my mistakes.  Literally.  With interest.

When I get into these bad cyclical ruts, I get frustrated with myself.

Don't get me wrong - I take full responsibility for my actions.

However, I am all-too-familiar with what I like to call "shopper's logic" that retailers encourage.  They practically shove it down our throats.  It goes something like this:

"Oooooh these are buy one get one half off.  I really like this one, 

and I don't really like this one BUT IT'S ON SALE... so I should get both...!!"

Lies.

Let's "do some simple addition" like our buddy Macklemore:

One shirt = $50.  But you love it, so we'll just go with that being a good deal for now.

Second shirt = $50 @ 50% off = $25.  That is totally half priced!!!!!

But you only kind of like it.  Is buying a shirt you don't really like worth $25?

Because now you're spending $75, plus tax, instead of just $50.  You're spending 50% more than you would just buying the item you actually like on something you don't really like.

So, by all means, enjoy the spring and summer sales.  Shop to your little heart's (or your littler budget's) content.  But just know that the retailers are lying to you.

You work hard for the money, so you better spend it right.

Right?

Right.

Love,

Broke Alicia

WAY TOO SERIOUS

I saw this quote here (one of my favorite blogs, for the record) from an interview Iris Apfel did with Harper's Bazaar and it really struck a chord with me.

First of all, major kudos to the ninety-one-year-old for calling it like she sees it.  Goodness knows she is a fashion icon who knows her stuff.  I am definitely no fashionista, know very little about designers, and even I recognize her.

Second of all, though, I definitely fall prey to the idea of "taking dressing way too seriously".  If I had a dollar, heck even a quarter, for every tear I've shed over having nothing to wear or looking fat, ugly, you-name-it-I've-said-it... I'd be swimming in cash like Scrooge McDuck.

That is totally embarrassing to admit, but all too true.

I, for one, do not want to look any older than I have to (I'm talking to you mini forehead wrinkles).

So I hereby declare that I will no longer place an inordinate amount of pressure on myself to dress perfectly.  I will just put on what I feel like and strut my stuff.

After all, it's perfectly fine to make fashion mistakes.  Like Ms. Apfel says,

Why not?  The fashion police are not going

to pull you over and put you in jail!

Sometimes it's good because your friends see you

the day after and say, 'Oh, you look so much better!'

Amen.

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BREAKUP LETTER

Dear Blogs,

I've been doing some thinking.  I really like reading you.  Some of you inspire me and bring out the best in me.  But I found myself too eager.  I started subscribing to too many of you and I lost myself along the way.

Some of you post content that is mindless, or simply regurgitated from other thoughtfully curated blogs.

Sometimes you made me feel bad about myself.  Like I wasn't enough.  Didn't have enough.  Didn't do enough.  Didn't incestuously link to other bloggers who have careers built upon other people wanting to live the "bloggers dream life" of... shopping, sipping expensive lattes, and instagramming along the way.  By the way, I'm pretty sure that lifestyle isn't real (not without a super rich hubby to support the hobby, at least).

Sometimes you post outfits that I honestly don't think are flattering on your lovely figure.  Sometimes you post outfits that I could never afford, but find myself pining after anyways.  Sometimes you announce that you are quitting your day job to work for yourself (kudos to you), but your business doesn't make sense to me.  Who is paying you to do that?  Oh.  Other bloggers.  That you are paying to do things for you.

What?

Because of this confusion and downward spiral, I have decided to break up with some of you.  Yes.  I've unsubscribed.

It's not you, though.  It's me.

My time is too valuable to spend reading content that I don't even like.  I still follow my favorites.  I am still inspired by lots of bloggers.  Some of them are even among the ranks of those who make a living blogging.

But they do a good job.

And they feed my spirit and encourage me to be a better person.

I am sure you'll be fine.  You have lots of other readers.  We just aren't a good fit.

I wish you the best.

- Alicia

p.s. I promise I've never actually broken up with someone in a letter.  Have you? ;)

p.p.s. I know it's April Fools' Day, but I'm not kidding.

IMPERFECT VS PERFECT

I read an article last week about imperfectionism (which apparently isn't even a word - how imperfect of them).

I don't want to say it bothered me, but something about it wasn't quite right. (read it yourself)

I'm sure you've noticed an upswing in "real life" posts on a lot of blogs out there, too.  The things I'm afraid to tell you craze that took off last year was a great reminder that the shiny and polished lives people instagram, tweet, and post about are only brief glimpses into very "normal" and imperfect lives.

Somehow, Jennifer Lawrence has become the unofficial spokeswoman of imperfection.

Did you know she fell at the Academy Awards?

(I sincerely hope you caught my internet sarcasm there)

Before I get ahead of myself, let me state very clearly that I think Jennifer Lawrence is beautiful, talented, and that her candid nature is very refreshing.

But I don't think that celebrating her unabashed openness needs to go hand-in-hand with bashing the more polished women in the spotlight.

I mean, in the same sentence that people praise Ms. Lawrence's foul language or, shall we call them, uncensored facial expressions, they feel the need to put down Anne Hathaway.

(note: I have noticed this in several articles, blogs, and other forms of social media - this observation is not isolated to the article I referenced)

Can we not celebrate both?

Can we not admire Jennifer Lawrence's free spirit and perfectly tousled hair and conversational tone and off-the-cuff interviews?

Can we not also admire Anne Hathaway's professional spirit and perfectly coiffed pixie cut and articulate interview responses and acceptance speeches?

Don't get me wrong - I love the notion that there is beauty in our imperfections.  My apartment is a little crazy right now.  But it's a little crazy because I had a fantastic weekend and I set chores aside in favor of a hike and a wedding celebration.  There is undeniable beauty in that.

But when I get home tonight I'm going to sweep and vacuum and finish the projects I started and do laundry and go grocery shopping.  And my apartment is going to be shiny and clean.  And my life is going to look pretty polished and professional.  And that is beautiful, too.

I guess what I'm saying is... celebrating imperfections and perfections doesn't have to be mutually exclusive. 

Let's continue to be honest and open and share our "real life" moments... but when you work hard and that hard work pays off and you have something shiny and perfect to share, you shouldn't be embarrassed or ashamed or afraid that someone will rain on your parade and call you a phony.

Let's not turn Anne Hathaway into a villain or an insulting name to call someone who seems to have it all together and Jennifer Lawrence into a hero for being "real" and sometimes behaving a little unprofessionally (there, I said it - it is, after all, her job to be in the public eye).

I, for one, embody a little bit of both of them (and I'm pretty sure everyone else does, too).

Imperfect and perfect can (and do) coexist.

I would love to hear from you on this issue.  What's your take on imperfect vs. perfect?

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